[Americana: Sexual Advice from the "sale capitaliste" The Wall Street Journal ...]
Put ‘Great Sex’ on Your Vacation To-Do List
Matt Hughes wanted everything to be perfect to celebrate his 10th wedding anniversary. He took his wife to an oceanfront suite at a luxury resort and had flowers, chocolate and Champagne delivered. That night, the couple went to dinner at a French restaurant.
When they returned to their room, Hughes dimmed the lights, leaned in for a kiss—and heard a great, big woof.
Several dogs started barking in the next room. The couple tried to carry on, but the pooches proved too distracting. The front desk wasn’t much help; the room’s human occupants were nowhere to be found.
After several hours, Hughes, 53 years old, a technology executive from San Clemente, Calif., drove to a pharmacy and bought earplugs. “It was really frustrating,” he said.
What is it they say about best-laid plans? (Pun intended.)
Vacation sex can be an excellent way for us to reconnect with our partner—and create memories we can draw on in the future. We’re already focused on pleasure and adventure. The novelty of a new place can be arousing. Without the distraction of our daily responsibilities, we should have more time to make it happen.
Sadly, reality often intervenes. Noisy hotels, sunburn, hangovers and the boss who just won’t let go can put a damper on things. These days, there’s a more overarching problem, too: Many of us live in such a state of chronic stress that our nervous systems are stuck on high alert. Even when we get away from our day-to-day worries, we’re irritable, exhausted, unable to relax.
That’s not sexy!
In reporting this column, I heard from readers about their vacation-sex challenges.
“My husband and I are laughing at your email. We are currently on vacation with 6 kids,” one woman responded.
“We stopped to have sex on a mossy patch while on a motorcycle trip, but the bugs, rocks and general outdoor reality really killed the mood,” said another.
“I got food poisoning,” said a man, who explained that his ex-girlfriend didn’t fully grasp how sick he was. “This might have been taken personally, which might have led to our end.”
Research on sexual fantasies demonstrates our desire for a romantic interlude. Ninety percent of people have fantasized about sex in a hotel; 85% about sex in nature; 83% about sex on the beach or another exotic location, and 53% about sex on an airplane, according to Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute, who conducted the studies.
Anticipation is a big part of the fun. It also can be part of the problem. We often imagine that a future event will be much better (or worse) than it turns out to be. Researchers call this affective forecasting. When it comes to vacation sex, high hopes can create pressure, which can kill the mood.
“If you feel you have to do something, then immediately you want it less,” says Amanda Luterman, a psychotherapist in Montreal, who specializes in sexual relationships.
If sex doesn’t happen, it can feel not just disappointing but hurtful. One partner might feel rejected or taken for granted. Both might feel like failures who have squandered a wonderful opportunity—and spent a lot of money doing it.
Hughes and his wife, married 22 years, have had vacation-romance mishaps other than barking dogs. On a Caribbean trip years ago, their kids came down with hand, foot and mouth disease on the one night they had a babysitter. Last year in Italy, their daughter got Covid and the family quarantined. In Puerto Vallarta in July, they planned an evening alone in their room, but couldn’t relax knowing that the kids—now teenagers—were at the hotel’s pool bar likely having their first drinks. (Mexico’s legal drinking age is 18.)
Hughes says he sometimes doubts himself when intimacy doesn’t pan out on a trip. “I wonder, ‘Are you really that into me?’” he says.
So he’s developed vacation strategies to keep the fire lit. He tries to stay flexible and keep the mood relaxing. He indulges his kids. (“Happy kids, happy mom.”) He also looks for fun activities he and his wife can do that are outside their comfort zone. In Mexico, the couple went disco dancing.
“I think the best way to focus on sex is not to,” Hughes says. “When people feel at ease and relaxed, the thing that you want to happen comes naturally.”
How can you make sure satisfying vacation sex actually happens? It may take some planning. Here’s some advice.
Schedule regular vacations.
Put them on your calendar. This will give you more opportunities for a vacation-sex reset, as well as something to look forward to.
Talk about expectations.
Start with the vacation itself: What activities do you want to do, how much time together do you need, should there be limitations on work and screens? “This will help reduce opportunities for resentment,” says Marissa Nelson, a sex therapist in Washington, D.C.
Then talk about intimacy, including what makes you feel closer to your partner and any new activities you might like to try. Discuss what to do if things don’t go as planned. Public Service Announcement: Try another time.
Don’t overplan.
If you’ve got every hour mapped out, you’ll wear yourself out. You also won’t have time to be spontaneous. Spontaneity is sexy, Lehmiller says.
Don’t hustle up until the last moment.
Pack early. Finish up work and errands with time to spare. “You dramatically increase your chances of a satisfying sexual and emotional connection by priming your nervous system before your departure,” says Julia DiGangi, a neuropsychologist in Chicago.
Be adventurous.
Start outside of bed. Go somewhere new, or try an activity or food you haven’t tried before. New experiences activate our brain’s reward system, flooding it with neurochemicals related to pleasure and bonding—the same circuits triggered when we first fall in love.
Shake it up in the bedroom, too. (Even a new time of day counts.) “Vacations are about exploration,” Nelson says.
Staycations count.
Sneak away close to home sometime. Even one night is enough to reset, if you get in a vacation mode of mind, Lehmiller says.
Think of it as a “laycation,” Mike Dowd, an architect in Portland, Ore., told me. “It’s a vacation where you stay home and hope to have sex,” he says.
Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at Elizabeth.Bernstein@wsj.com; jb see.
Comments
Post a Comment